In couples therapy, the therapist provides a safe arena through which partners are able to discuss and process conflict. As with individual or family therapy, the therapist will assist the couple to develop goals that are tailored to the clients’ needs. The therapist can help the couple define positive characteristics that they desire in their relationship and create steps towards that preferred outcome. Often, the therapist will assist partners learn more effective ways of communicating and interacting with each other. This may include teaching partners concrete skills to de-escalate conflict or developing patterns of more open emotional expression to improve intimacy and connectedness. Additionally, the therapist may help the couple resolve conflict that they have been unable to resolve in past interactions.

     Partners are generally seen together in sessions, to maximize effective communication. In some cases, however, partners may each be seen individually for a portion of the assessment session.

     For more information, call Laura Sansone, LMFT at 727-465-4935 or Kiley Mahaffey, LMFT at 727-424-3681.

     No couple is perfect. Fights are to be expected in relationships; in fact, conflict resolution has been said to be an indicator of true, deep intimacy. Here are some tips to communicate in a more effective manner when you find yourself in a squabble.

     1. Don’t name-call or finger-point. Think twice before blurting out “You’re being a complete idiot” or “This is all your fault” the minute things get heated. Why? Because even if it’s true, placing the blame squarely on your partner’s shoulders won’t resolve the fight. Instead, your partner’s defenses will be triggered and communication will likely be cut off. Partners feeling attacked will escalate the fight quickly. The more your fight contains things like name-calling instead of listening, getting personal and blaming, the more challenges you will have facing the inevitable disagreements that arise naturally when you’re part of a couple.

     2. Keep absolutes out of the conversation. Words like “always” and “never” don’t belong in a first fight, and the minute you introduce them into the conversation you risk polarizing yourselves. “You never listen to me” or “You always put me last” may be what you’re thinking, but chances are, it’s not “always” the case. In fact, there were likely more than a few times when your honey was hanging on your every word and skipping important work or family events to be with you. So give the absolutes a rest.

     3. Use “I” messages. If you find yourself starting many of your sentences with ‘you,’ your partner will probably get defensive or attack back. Instead focus on your own feelings, needs and desires. Try saying, “It would really mean a lot to me if you got to know my friends,” or “I feel hurt when you cancelled our plans at the last minute.” This kind of phrasing allows your partner to empathize with you and has the least chance of sparking defensiveness.

     4. Take a brief time-out. Sometimes the best thing you can do in a first fight is to take a moment (or longer) to cool off and collect your thoughts. Take the time to move into another room, take some deep breaths or a shower.
A good separation tactic, is to say, “I see we both feel strongly about this and I value your opinion, but I think I need a little break. How about we stop talking for 10 minutes (or 30 minutes, an hour) and then reconvene?”
For couples who find that their fights escalate quickly, a timeout code word can be helpful. Some couples choose a ridiculous word such as “pineapple” to inject a bit of humor into the situation.
One caveat: If you agree to a fight hiatus, you must come back and talk about it again after the time-out is up! Don’t just sweep it under the rug, or the issue will be 10 times worse when it resurfaces…and it will resurface.

     5. Fight together, not against each other. Arguments are adversarial by nature, but the more you can work towards a solution together, the better the survival chances of your relationship. Offer comments like, “What are your thoughts about this problem?” or “How do you think we can work together to fix this?” Inviting discussion and joint problem-solving can help you stop fighting and start solving. Then go somewhere, sit down across from one another and take turns talking… you can even time it so you alternate back and forth, each getting one uninterrupted minute at a time.”

     6. Focus specifically on the issue at hand. When learning how to fight as a couple, it’s important to try and resolve one issue at a time, not turn this single incident into a what’s-wrong-with-our-relationship free-for-all. Describe what your partner did as specifically as possible rather than painting it as a character issue. In other words, “You took away the remote without asking me and changed the channel” is much different than “You are so self-centered and selfish.” And don’t drag in other grievances that have nothing to do with this fight (i.e., shifting from the remote control to how your honey is almost always a little late for dates). You don’t want this one issue escalating into an all-out war.

     7. Don’t take this as a sign to end the relationship. You may suddenly find yourself thinking mid-fight, This isn’t worth it…it’s over, but making a decision about your relationship at this volatile moment is a bad idea. Rather than throw in the towel, recognize that this is a learning opportunity, not a matter of win-lose survival. Chances are you’ll get through this…and many more fights down the road.

     So follow these tips, and move onto the making-up process.